Welcome to my Blog!
this whole site is about what goes on in my pitiful excuse for a like and what goes on between me and my boyfriend aaron...sorry all you single emo kids (im emo just not single:p)
*Meow!*
lifes a bitch! i was supposed to go somewhere with aaron this weekend and now i can't cauz my mom found out what my grades are even though they arent that bad, these are the best grades i've had all year!!!! and this isnt fair i was so looking foward to getting away for a day, cauz i need it im super stressed and i can't take this!! it sucks! i feel helpless to the fact that i feel like im dying inside im numb to any sort of happiness even aaron can't make me happy anymore....i need help but no ones there to save me....
oh oh oh my life is so coming together! aaron got to come over last friday and he has been over ever night since!!! friday....saturday.....sunday......monday.....tuesday...wednesday...yay!!!!!! i will give more details later but untill then im out.....
i couldn't do it... I tried i really did, but its just aaah god i can't do that to him, it would kill him if i did and i can't and i promised him that i wouldn't break up with him but yeah i need to but im not going to and im in such a difficult situation because i love him, im happy with him and he means the world to me but then again at the same time im not happy well its not that im not really happy its that i can't relax because im worried about screwing up our friendship. like he means more to me as friend than he does as a boyfriend, don't get me wrong he means everything to me but i value friendships a lot more than i do my relationships with my boyfriends because my friends are going to be there for me no matter what and im pretty sure the people im with aren't with me for me their with me because they want to get laid...lol...like hell...im an innocent little girl.....
My Perfect Guy: i want a guy who will... oh my god what am i talking about i have my perfect guy and now im about to leave him i think i frickin crazy but i guess i am because i can’t handle this. Aaron's perfect but i just can’t be with him i want to but i have to leave. I can’t deal with this it’s not that im getting close to him that bothers me its the fact that its getting way to serious way too fast and i don’t want to... god i don’t know why well i do know why i just don’t know how to explain it... its just that god i feel bad already because he knows somethings wrong and im hurting him already but it’s going to be nothing compared to when i tell him... but yeah i have my perfect guy he’s an angel....
Coz when it gets too sad I think thoughts that I know are bad I close my eyes and I count to ten Hope its over when I open them I want the things that I had before Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door I wish I could count to ten Make everything be wonderful again I hope my Mom And I hope my Dad Would figure out why they get so mad I hear them scream I hear them fight They say bad words that make me wanna cry I close my eyes when I go to bed And I dream of angels that make me smile I feel better when I hear them say everything will be wonderful some day
Chorus Promises mean everything When you’re little and the world so big I just don’t understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes and tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play I tell the kids that it’s all ok I laugh a lot so my friends won’t know When the bell rings that I just don’t wanna go I go to my room and I close my eyes I make believe that I have a new life I don’t believe you when you say Everything will be wonderful some day
Chorus
No no no no I don’t want to hear you tell me everything is wonderful now No no no no I don’t want to hear you say that I will understand some day No no no no I don’t want to hear you say that you both have grown in a different way No no no no I don’t want to meet your friend And I don’t want to start over again I just want my life to be the same Just like it used to be Some days I hate everything I hate everything Everyone and everything
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now… Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now .. Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now ..
I don’t want to hear you tell me everything is wonderful now……
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful…….
Everything is wonderful now……. Everything is wonderful now…….
i like this song i swear it almost makes me cry cauz it reminds me of my childhood. I didnt have a very good childhood my parents fought all the time, i didnt ever fit in and i couldnt do anything right in the eyes of my parents so i was always being yelled at and told how bad i was....
i feel so betrayed nothings right i cant take it any more somethings got to change i wish i was someone else with no need for lies and fake smiles to be happy for once if only i could change my life im sick of it all left in the dark hurt by the only people i trusted how can this be im still a kid in not suposed to be troubled welcome Lydia.....to the rest of your life
wow im so happy i got to go out on friday!!! yay!!! it was so much fun!!!! oh my god it was so so so perfect! we had sushi and then we got starbucks!!! and and and we saw liza and mitch and god i had so much fun im so so so so so happy! oh and i finally got some time alone with him *smiles* god i had fun this weekend........
on top of the fact that im going to be grounded i just found out that over spring break my brother and two of MY friends were smoking so now thats going to get blamed on me when they tell my mom tonight and i wont be able to go out with aaron. And the thing is its not my fault i had no clue till last night when my older sister told me, but im the "bad" kid in the family so of course it was my doing...NOT!!!!! And i really really really want to go out with aaron tonight i've never been on a real date, and this is oh so perfect, becuase yesteday was 2 months and and and i love him and i really REALLY want to go on a date...aaahhhhh god this is so unfair!!! its just that like aaron is the only guy i have ever gone out with that has been so sweet to me, he's perfect to me he would never wrong me and he loves me...thats a first...someone loving....me? but god its not fair.....
World History-c French 1-f Geometry-c Health and Gym-b Earth Science-c English 9-c Art 2-c
god im so fucking screwed i dont even have one A just 1 a thats all i really want, and omg this is the first time in my life that i have ever actually tried in school and its the only time i have ever done this bad omg omg omg i will have NO life! NONE!!!!! Crap crap crap CRAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! im gonna cry.....
that is me!!! yay!! but ya i thought that everyone would like to see the face behind the story.... so there you go not a very good pic of me but i think it turneed out pretty good...good enough to post but ya i have another one its ammusing but i have to upload it to my photobucket or piczo site before i can post it....so tomorow you will be able to see my full face...*gasp* but ya i can go to YourBrokenDoll to see som other pics...not very interesting..but ya
omg wow im spazzzzing...TREVOR!!!!!! was here..omg omg omg trevor was here...omg trevor omg omg omg trevor was here at hermitage i saw him, he was here, i talked to him, omg omg omg its been so long omg....like i haven't seen him in 6 months..omg omg omg and oh my fucking god!!! just omg its sorta shocking when you see someone you don't expect to see for another 3 years and there they are standing right in front of you, nothing had changed about him but for some reason it took me a minute to realize it was him like i wasn't thinking it was him i was like no way, it can't be, there is no way he can be here, he's not here, he's not supposed to be here, no way! and then he hugged me, i haven't been in his arms for over 6 months, its been so long, for some reason it didn't feel the same i was on guard, i couldn't relax, i was so scared of him i don't know why, he would never physically hurt me, but still i was so afraid! but i chilled out after a while i was talking to him and catching up on what he'd been doing for the last half a year. He's going to Hermitage next year, im not sure how im going to react to that, it's going to be weird, seeing him every day yet being with Aaron. I don't love him anymore but still its going to be strange, so strange. But! he says he still loves me, its strange how he can still love me after all this time, who can be sure of the way they feel after being gone for so long? im so scared......
[end note: trevor stearns is my x-boyfriend. i went out with him for 4 months starting on august the 28 (i think? its been so long) 2004. He was my first real boyfriend, my first kiss, the first guy did anything with and the first person i ever actually cared about. But he screwed me over when he got mad at me one day and told my mom about everything bad i had done, all the times i had snuck out with him....everything....]
well well well in less than a week me and aaron will have been together for two months. *gasp* that's like a long time for me like i was with trevor for 4 months but still that was different..... Two months ...wow.... but yeah im so glad everything all better between us, like we didn't fight oh wow ...i just realized we haven't fought at all since i've met him like its crazy how well we get along its like perfect. im shocked usually i would have been in at least 1 major fight by now, but with aaron there's nothing to get upset about, he's sweetheart to me, nothing but a perfect gentlemen. I enjoy being around him so much he makes me so extremely happy. I hope that nothing changes that. I would die if i ever lost him again! he's my everything, i cant take having my heart being torn apart again! But he would never do that again never, he’s way too sweet to me. H's so amazingly flawless how does he pull it off??? and he doesn't fret when i don't say i love him because he know i have issues getting close to guys and he isn't going to rush me, god he’s stunning....
well this morning he sent me a note it said "i was thinking yesterday (in the shower) and i realized that your a different person than everyone else. i need to start over and just forget about the past. i need to trust that you wont hurt me and i already know you’ll always be there for me. so... yeah im not gonna think about any past events. :kisses:"
i think that it was really sweet of him but it still doesn't change like this whole thing i still feel used for some reason *shrugs* i don't know what's behind the feeling but something feels wrong, and that's killing me because like i don't know, i just don't know. he's my world but still there's something between us something that's crushing me, i want to die i don't want to keep this up like this like we were walking around at lunch and he looked all supper depressed and i was like aww hun what's wrong? he said nothing i asked like 4 times and all he would say is nothing im happy. He doesn't seem happy like i know he has a lot of stress on him right now because of school and his parents and shit but still i cant seem to make him happy anymore He used to never stop smiling when he was around me and now he barley smiles and when he does they are empty smiles like he's never happy and i want to make him happy so bad i don't care how i do it i just want him to smile and truly be happy. He told me once that the only time when he was truly happy was when he was around me and now he's never happy around me so...is he ever truly happy?.....
god i hate this im not her and i can never be her there is no way i don't know how to tell him but i have to he thinks everything i do in the terms of what she does.....im not nicole......
it was a fun week,,,,at the beach with 12 kids(as in ages 13-19) i missed aaron so much and he obviously missed me...and nicole. i swear to god that's what we talked about 50% of the time, everything i did reminded him of nikki (gir...and that's my nickname too!!!!) like my jokes and what i wore and everything i talked about. i feel like im just filling in her place until he can get her back. like he said he loves me and such but still..... its really hard to think straight when all that's on my mind is that he loves nicole. Like when he broke up with me he told me "i still love nicole" and that echoes in my head still, I cant deal with this. he means so much to me but i feel like he's using me to keep from being lonely. and we talked about them fucking and god damn i had like an emotional breakdown after i got off the phone with him last night, i was freaking out for about three hours because i know he still cares about her he tries to keep her from going out with guys that are going to use her it bothers him that she's going out with a guy that just wants sex. now come on if i was him and she had done all that shit to me she would be in the hospital by now..but no! not aaron because he "hates her" yeah right! god i don't want to be in this situation! This is making me miserable and i know he's going to do something so i don't know what it is but he is he has that same look in his eyes that he did when he broke up with me last time, like its concerned and scared but still determined to do something that's that best way i can describe it. And if he breaks up with me im going to leave im just going to walk out the door and never come back.... he will never even be able to see me again, I cant take feeling used, i hate the feeling like from the time i met him till he broke up with me there was no doubt in my mind that he was an angel and now that he did that im starting to see his flaws ..he doesn't have many, only one. but its tat one flaw that's tearing me up inside its killing me, im not nicole!!! and i will never be! no matter how much he wishes i cant be her, i wish i was then maybe he would love me the way he loved her because he would never tolerate me the way he did her there is no way he would put up with me bitching at him (not that i would, i could never do that to him he is my everything and i could never treat him like that) and he says he loves me because i don't treat him like a sex toy and i don't use him and such but still im not perfect and when he finds out my flaws he will hate me, like the fact that i cant say no, i cant say no to anyone, not at all like for anything i cant say no and the fact that if i get to close to anyone i cheat on them to push them away. he’s going to hate me.........
this is my precious! her name is adrienne and she was the greatist....... im pretty sure aaron dosent like the idea of me and her just like he dosent like the idea of me and val. I dont want to worry him, but its no bother because i dont talk to her anymore, shes turned into a druggie now and it kills me to see her like she is, always high and shit. Its like omg what the hell are you doing you were so perfect!!! She was smart, and funny, crazy, amazing, perfect, she was the greatist friend and now she dosent even notice me when i walk by her...*wimpers* i wish i could have her back.....
im so glad that aaron doesn't read this, like it wouldn't bother me of he did but i just really don't want him to know how im feeling. i know that sounds bad but its not like i don't want him to know all of my feelings, like pain, i don't want him to know it hurts me when he talks about nicole or that i still don't totally trust him or that he hurt me really, really bad. Because i don't want him to feel bad i can deal with these things there is nothing either of us can do to change these things, so why fret about it? there's no reason to do that! I cant change the past so y should i try
omg i still feel so bad for aaron, im leaving him for a week to go and stay in a house with 5 guys! that must be killing him! but im not going to do anything, and i really mean that. like i could but it would hurt me more than it would Aaron, because every time i have cheated on someone it killed me, like after i would keep to myself not talk to anyone and i get really depressed and i always feel so dirty like i had killed something or something. And its even worse when i couldn't fix it!! like i want to make everything better but i cant!!! and omg....but ya there's gonna be 12 people under the age of 21..that sucks!!! like its great but then again it sucks because that's a lot of people to spend a week with and i have a feeling im gonna end up locking myself in my room half of the time. and and and its gonna kill me to not see aaron for a week, i don't know if i can deal with that!! like he's my everything and he keeps me happy he makes everything perfect. And and im not sure but i think mabye...nevermind, don't worry about it. omg im so craving chocolate.......omg i like those candy bars so much!!!! so yummy! but ya back on subject! i dont want to go like i do cauz i like the beach, but but but i want aaron with me, i wish he could be with me all the time like alllll the time cauz cauz cauz i hate saying goodbye to him it kills me cauz i know one day its going to be my last good bye, and i never want to leave him
i had a good morning! i got to see aaron (such a cutie) and i was teasing him cauz im like a smidge taller than him today cauz i have on 3 inch boots(they are mad cute) and and and i got to talk to him for a min, he's coming over on friday! yay! because i would be so depressed if i couldnt see him before we left for myrtle beach! ok well i must go now...history class calls..... *meow*
aaron had this dream that he walked up to me, and i had this weird expression on your face, and i was like “aaron... i think we should just be friends and he like just broke down and he was in class crying under his coat. and then he got home and hung himself... and his mom came in and was like “omg!!” and he could still see and stuff. and the cops came and then he woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. and now he's all scared in gonna break up with him and im not i swear i would never do anything like that he means the world to me, it just isn't gonna happen. but what scares me is that one day we will get in a fight or something and we are gonna break up and that's when its gonna be bad because i wouldn't put either of us past suicide, i know i get depressed easily, and from what i’ve heard aaron acts irrationally when he gets upset. perfect couple eh? well actually i think we do very well together, ts been about a month and a half with no arguments, no lies, nothing of the sort. it would be almost 2 months but ya his little issue, but that's ok because its something he had to do, so its all ok....right? i mean i guess it is like it still hurts every time i see him, he really hurt me badly, like i wasn't even expecting it it was so shocking and sudden, it hit me so hard. because like one day he was all happy and hyper then the next he ripped out my heart tore it to pieces and then a couple days later he wanted it to all be ok and its still not ok because it still hurts me. I want so badly to change what happened but i cant, and its killing me, he crushed all my hopes of ever getting close to him, so now once again im back at building up a wall around myself and i know this is how its always gonna be, like i thought he was actually good like he wouldn't hurt me but i guess i was wrong, and he;s still hurting me every time he talks about nicole, because i know he still feels something for her, i would have done anything to be with trevor for months after i broke up with him and for him its been like 2 months that's it it took me over 6 months to get over the pain and him because i thought that if i could only be with him it would be ok. like i thought if i could only get aaron to love me it would all be ok it would make the scars go away or at least hurt a little but less. but hey he doesn't love me and its not all ok because it doesn't work like that, love doesn't heal it just covers up the scars until your crushed again and all the wounds are uncovered leaving you even more vulnerable than before, open to the world with you heart hanging on a string... waiting for someone to steal it again as this screwed up game starts over again
the other day(friday) at lunch we(me val aaron and mike) were all playing around and tickling and such and mike and aaron kidnapped us and were dragging us away from each other and val started tickling mike, i was tickling aaron. me and val got them off of us and we ran off into the bus ramp. mike chased after us and we were playing around tickling them more. so i went to find aaron and he snuck up on me and i was talking to him and he was really upset cauz hes like super afraid of loosing me and he’s not gonna loose me. theres no way thats gonna happen to him cauz he means the world to me and i could never leave him.
....omg i like those candy bars so much!!!! so yummy! but ya back on subject! i dont want to go like i do cauz i like the beach, but but but i want aaron with me, i wish he could be with me all the time like alllll the time cauz cauz cauz i hate saying goodbye to him it kills me cauz i know one day its going to be my last good bye, and i never want to leave him