Welcome to my Blog!
this whole site is about what goes on in my pitiful excuse for a like and what goes on between me and my boyfriend aaron...sorry all you single emo kids (im emo just not single:p)
*Meow!*
this is my precious! her name is adrienne and she was the greatist....... im pretty sure aaron dosent like the idea of me and her just like he dosent like the idea of me and val. I dont want to worry him, but its no bother because i dont talk to her anymore, shes turned into a druggie now and it kills me to see her like she is, always high and shit. Its like omg what the hell are you doing you were so perfect!!! She was smart, and funny, crazy, amazing, perfect, she was the greatist friend and now she dosent even notice me when i walk by her...*wimpers* i wish i could have her back.....
im so glad that aaron doesn't read this, like it wouldn't bother me of he did but i just really don't want him to know how im feeling. i know that sounds bad but its not like i don't want him to know all of my feelings, like pain, i don't want him to know it hurts me when he talks about nicole or that i still don't totally trust him or that he hurt me really, really bad. Because i don't want him to feel bad i can deal with these things there is nothing either of us can do to change these things, so why fret about it? there's no reason to do that! I cant change the past so y should i try
omg i still feel so bad for aaron, im leaving him for a week to go and stay in a house with 5 guys! that must be killing him! but im not going to do anything, and i really mean that. like i could but it would hurt me more than it would Aaron, because every time i have cheated on someone it killed me, like after i would keep to myself not talk to anyone and i get really depressed and i always feel so dirty like i had killed something or something. And its even worse when i couldn't fix it!! like i want to make everything better but i cant!!! and omg....but ya there's gonna be 12 people under the age of 21..that sucks!!! like its great but then again it sucks because that's a lot of people to spend a week with and i have a feeling im gonna end up locking myself in my room half of the time. and and and its gonna kill me to not see aaron for a week, i don't know if i can deal with that!! like he's my everything and he keeps me happy he makes everything perfect. And and im not sure but i think mabye...nevermind, don't worry about it. omg im so craving chocolate.......omg i like those candy bars so much!!!! so yummy! but ya back on subject! i dont want to go like i do cauz i like the beach, but but but i want aaron with me, i wish he could be with me all the time like alllll the time cauz cauz cauz i hate saying goodbye to him it kills me cauz i know one day its going to be my last good bye, and i never want to leave him
i had a good morning! i got to see aaron (such a cutie) and i was teasing him cauz im like a smidge taller than him today cauz i have on 3 inch boots(they are mad cute) and and and i got to talk to him for a min, he's coming over on friday! yay! because i would be so depressed if i couldnt see him before we left for myrtle beach! ok well i must go now...history class calls..... *meow*
aaron had this dream that he walked up to me, and i had this weird expression on your face, and i was like “aaron... i think we should just be friends and he like just broke down and he was in class crying under his coat. and then he got home and hung himself... and his mom came in and was like “omg!!” and he could still see and stuff. and the cops came and then he woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. and now he's all scared in gonna break up with him and im not i swear i would never do anything like that he means the world to me, it just isn't gonna happen. but what scares me is that one day we will get in a fight or something and we are gonna break up and that's when its gonna be bad because i wouldn't put either of us past suicide, i know i get depressed easily, and from what i’ve heard aaron acts irrationally when he gets upset. perfect couple eh? well actually i think we do very well together, ts been about a month and a half with no arguments, no lies, nothing of the sort. it would be almost 2 months but ya his little issue, but that's ok because its something he had to do, so its all ok....right? i mean i guess it is like it still hurts every time i see him, he really hurt me badly, like i wasn't even expecting it it was so shocking and sudden, it hit me so hard. because like one day he was all happy and hyper then the next he ripped out my heart tore it to pieces and then a couple days later he wanted it to all be ok and its still not ok because it still hurts me. I want so badly to change what happened but i cant, and its killing me, he crushed all my hopes of ever getting close to him, so now once again im back at building up a wall around myself and i know this is how its always gonna be, like i thought he was actually good like he wouldn't hurt me but i guess i was wrong, and he;s still hurting me every time he talks about nicole, because i know he still feels something for her, i would have done anything to be with trevor for months after i broke up with him and for him its been like 2 months that's it it took me over 6 months to get over the pain and him because i thought that if i could only be with him it would be ok. like i thought if i could only get aaron to love me it would all be ok it would make the scars go away or at least hurt a little but less. but hey he doesn't love me and its not all ok because it doesn't work like that, love doesn't heal it just covers up the scars until your crushed again and all the wounds are uncovered leaving you even more vulnerable than before, open to the world with you heart hanging on a string... waiting for someone to steal it again as this screwed up game starts over again
the other day(friday) at lunch we(me val aaron and mike) were all playing around and tickling and such and mike and aaron kidnapped us and were dragging us away from each other and val started tickling mike, i was tickling aaron. me and val got them off of us and we ran off into the bus ramp. mike chased after us and we were playing around tickling them more. so i went to find aaron and he snuck up on me and i was talking to him and he was really upset cauz hes like super afraid of loosing me and he’s not gonna loose me. theres no way thats gonna happen to him cauz he means the world to me and i could never leave him.
i wish he would trust me just a bit more. Just the slightest bit, like i know i cheated on his “friend” and everything but still he knows that was my escape, he was an asshole and he screwed me over(not literally ..perverts) he was mentally abusive and i hate him so much!!!!!!!!!! And And And i haven't done anything to him if anything i should be the one who shouldn't be trusting because he ...agggg ..i give up i just wish he would trust me because he’s my everything and I would never do anything that would hurt him.[LINE] lots of affection,
lol...*thinking about how fun it would be if aaron was bi* but im not sure i would want to share him with someone else, because i get how he doesn't want to share me. but like anyone i go out with can do anything they want, like cheat on me and i don't care, hurt me abuse me i don't care just be there for me and at least pretend that you care about me and i will be sweet and caring. i guess im like this because I've been hurt by so many guys and I've had my heart ripped out and torn to pieces before so now i just expect guys to hurt me. like why go against men's nature, its just gonna hurt me more than letting then do what they want because as long as their doing what i say they can do then it doesn't matter right....... or not because when they do it im crushed, like i try not to let anything get to me but i cant seem to do that all the time some things just seem to be able to hurt me. Like I’ve built up a wall around my heart that no one can get through but sometimes it still stings..... but i will not let them see that, i will never let them see how bad it burns...
GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [LINE] ok guess what?? ok well i just found out like 20 min. ago that last night after i got off of the phone with Aaron, he got really depressed and he cut himself. like he cut a gash down his chest, i cant believe he did that because he hasn't done anything stupid in so long and i don't want him depressed!!!! i cant believe this I've told him a million times that if he ever gets depressed and he cant take it just drive over, it doesn't matter what time just come over, because im always there for him and i will help him no matter what and if he had just come over or called or something i would have helped, i dont want him hurting himself[LINE] always there kitten :!:
mmmm..i was standing with aaron and i was talking to squish(josh) this morning. Mike and Val were standing near bye and i noticed that aaron was acting really uncomfortable and depressed so like i pulled him aside and was like what's wrong and he shook his head. so i was like is it josh? he shook his head. i asked him if it was mike and val and he made a funny face, and i don't get it why would it bother him like that it wasn't like i was even talking to val and he should trust me with her i would never do anything to hurt him i really mean that when i say it! i could never bring myself to cheat on him, example:: this really hot guy tried to kiss me and i couldn't do it cauz i gave aaron my heart and i am his and only his, no one else's. like if i had been going out with anyone else it wouldn't have bothered me but aaron is so sweet and caring he is the perfect guy no joke he's not with me for sex, he actually cares about me he listens to me he opens up to me when he's sad he will tell me anything and he trusts me and he means everything to me he is the best and i lo.......ah nevermind..i don't know if i do or i don't im not sure what it is im so confused about it. like im not sure what love is anymore cauz i thought i loved someone and they hurt me so bad they turned their back on me and im still hurting from it. every time i hear his name i cringe, its horrible i cant stand it too many memories he was “the best” or so i thought but i was wrong and now i don't trust my judgment when it comes to my emotions..ug. I just want to be with him that's all that matters, i swear, i would never cheat on him lie to him or make him unhappy in any way!
ok well i got to talk to aaron on aim and he said theres nothing i can do buttttttt..... as long as im there its helping him and i told him i would always be there for him and i will be i swear because he is my everything and i dont want anything to happen self-inflicted or not!!!
ok well for the past few days aaron has been super paranoid and depressed and im worried about him i don't like seeing him like this and its because his home life isn't going too good with his parents about to split and all and now he's not doing to well im some of his classes and that's stressing him out and I’m stressing him out cauz im about to go on vacation to myrtle beach and im going with my friend val and he’s afraid somethings gonna happen but nothing will happen i swear i would never purposely hurt my aaron, he means way too much to me. and im super worried cauz all he ever does now is hold me in his arms and look super sad cauz he’s afraid of loosing me and that's never gonna happen he means way way way too much to me to ever do anything like leave him. he is my world. Although i am very afraid of him leaving because he has left me before and i know he would never do that again but that's what i thought the first time but after i saw how much pain it caused him to see me like that, i was shaking and trying not to let him see me cry i just couldn't believe it because i thought he was like perfect that he wasn't human, and he just held he and he was like trying to make it better but nothing could fix me he had shattered my heart into a million pieces and there was no way to put it back together, and i know it hurt him to do that to me but i guess he felt he had to because he had some things to work out before he felt he could get close to me. but i know it hurt him to do that. and i know that there has to be something i can do to make it better and he says there isn't but there has to be and i want to make this better so badly. So if he says there's nothing i can do i guess i will just be there for him and comfort him when he needs me.
well well well let me just catch you up with the important dates since i started getting really close to aaron ::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::
12-30-04 aaron liz and danni came over for my b-day
1-8-05???? aarons girlfriend dumped him (bitch)
1-24-05 Aaron kissed me for the first time
1-27-04 Aaron asked me out
2-11-04 he dumped me
2-14-05 v-day..we got back togeher
3-14-05 1 month with aaron!!
3-15-05 he asked me to kill him if i ever dumped him
well now that you know who this blog is about im going to tell you a bit about aaron!! Aaron is 17, he lives with his mom and dad in glen allen, va. He is the sweetest guy i have ever met! He likes techno and like hard rock(i guess that's what you'd call it?? ::shrugs::) his favorite colors are green and black (yummy colors) and and and he's an aries! yay for april birthdays! he is an amazing person who is affectionate and loving, loyal to his friends and he's stunningly personable. he's only done one thing that has ever hurt me and it was breaking up with me because he thought it wasn't fair of him to be going out with me while he loved someone else, but its all good cauz he finally realized that she was a fiend and she wasn't any good for him. i still haven't forgiven him for that though, but still, i cant be mad at him forever cauz he's so sweet!!! :wink: I would trust aaron with my life, he would never ever do anything that would ever cauz me pain again and he protects me when i need it! aaron is the most awsomest guy ever, he's so sweet and giving for example he buys me lunch when im hungry and he would do anything possible to see me happy, he's so sweet he's always worried about me and he's always trying to make me smile. he is so crazy, he hates when i put my hair in my face because “he loves seeing my face”, and it drives him crazy when i turn his class ring around, its so extraordinarily cute when he whimpers. he does so many things that i find so precious, he has no clue how happy he makes me, like at lunch when i don't feel like moving and he carries me around it is so sweet, or when im tired and i go into the bus ramp to take a kitti nap he lets me lay on him so i can be comfy. When he gives me Eskimo kisses he is so adorable, he’s the most affectionate person i have ever met, he loves to watch me when im sleeping, and he loves to cuddle (so do i!!!) he is so sweet when it comes to me and my issues with guys he always puts up with all my insults toward men. And and and it is sooo adorable when he hugs me and wont let go, i love the way he knows everything that's going on with me, he can always tell if im hiding something and he can always tell if im crushed even if there is a smile on my face. Aaron loves to see me smile i swear that's his goal every day to see me smile at least once. he is the most magnificent man i have ever known, i dont know how i would live without his love
yay! i finally got this working! ok well this blog is going to be an account of everything that happens between me and my boyfriend aaron! this is my place to express everything i feel since i cant express my emotions for my fear of once again being hurt. :D [LINE] kitten
....omg i like those candy bars so much!!!! so yummy! but ya back on subject! i dont want to go like i do cauz i like the beach, but but but i want aaron with me, i wish he could be with me all the time like alllll the time cauz cauz cauz i hate saying goodbye to him it kills me cauz i know one day its going to be my last good bye, and i never want to leave him